I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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