she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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