Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
