I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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