No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
