god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
