Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
