I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
