Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
