When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
