omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
