How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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