I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
