totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and she was petting her beer can
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
