I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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