Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
