Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
