Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
