You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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