Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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