I faked an abortion last night.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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