I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
