Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
