i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
