Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
