My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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