dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
