Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
