i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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