Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
