Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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