I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
