i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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