birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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