i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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