Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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