so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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