Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
