Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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