i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
