I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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