I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
