I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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