so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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