No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
