I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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