She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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