I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Randomize
