she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
