he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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