Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
why is half of my head shaved?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
