You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We have started to decorate penises.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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