If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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